go to zradio.org ….it’s a Christian radio channel…ONLINE!!!

www.zradio.org

i picked up the channel back in US last year in Orlando (it’s an actual radio channel u can tune to there)…it’s really cool cos the area of Florida is very much family-oriented…excluding the fact tat Disneyland is there…

hence, the channel is very much family-oriented…”safe for the little ears” is their slogan…generally u get more of US christian music (sometimes bias towards certain songs and artists)…but i like the fact that every half hour or so, the DJ encourages you with a short but touching verse from the Bible…sometimes the DJ pair would talk about how to handle certain stresses in life…or how to explain big words in the bible such as holy spirit in simple terms and experiments tat kids can understand…

songs are of course different from the forms of genre tat we are used to…but many are truly inspiring… XD…

so go to ZRadio…give it a listen…i practically tune to it every time i work with the internet…

if you have other recommendations…feel free to let me noe…

P.S( I do not earn anything but the joy of sharing the gospel of the Lord thru a good radio station…aka no monetary or material benefits involved…. XD…)

enjoy!!!

i really really want to vow this…but i noe i can’t cos curiosity will kill me eventually…but i want to vow not to read other ppl’s blogs anymore….

i end a tired day of work…hoping that perhaps, just perhaps, somebody had a nice thing to say about their day…sigh…perhaps an expectation too high…

the world is in misery….everyone’s lives are miserable…yet we are blinded to only see our own misery…

we think the world revolves around us…perhaps it does…or perhaps we have become too self-centered ourselves…

i admit that i can be upset at times…but i still thank God that each day, there are more than 2 things i can thank Him for…it’s the most amazing thing…despite the amount of stress i’m putting on myself…the weighing of tiredness versus incompetence…at the end of the day…i can still thank God for wat a good day it has been…

thoughts of dying?…clearly they are not getting to u cos u r still alive…thoughts tat no one wants u…clearly there is someone tat does cos u r still alive…life is sthg precious…but no strength…no faith…no knowledge of God…no knowledge of salvation…there is no feeling tat life can be as precious as ur closest family member…

for once…write something abt how some part of ur day…things were good…they can go wrong, but they can’t go wrong entirely if u’ve commited them to God…honestly ask urselves…is this really how i see my life and how i want to live it…

Add some aims and goals ppl!!…life IS a bed of roses…with thorns in between…which will thicken ur skin as u finally lie down in the comfort of the red petals…it takes work to gain rest…so put some MUSCLE into it!!

help others feel better too in the process…

nuts….too sleepy…who in the world am i talking to?

she looked at her hands…in fact, she could see thru them…the ceramic flooring, white and ghostly behind her palms…she flipped both her hands…and found that the flooring looked equally the same…

“George”, she called out at the first person she knew that walked past…he turned and looked at her, broke into a smile and said, “Hey, tat’s cool! You should do tat at Halloween”…and went on his way…

George wasn’t close to her, neither was she to him…so it didn’t matter if he didn’t stay for the conversation…as long as he could….partially see her?

I’m fading…she said to herself…slowly but surely…it wasn’t going to happen all in that 5 minutes…but she knew she was definitely lighter…and more transparent than yesterday…

she took her seat in front of the computer in the doc’s lounge…with her light silvery hands turned on the machine…went to her blog…the posting were getting less…so was her communi-box…ppl were leaving less and less comments there…ppl, refering to her sis, her good girl frens…her ex-school frens…the nice strangers who later became not-strangers…perhaps the comments were still there…but they were becoming less and less extensive and less compeling to her…but it was just weird…

a cold thought ran into her…and she immediately closed the webpage…it was too freaky…it was one thing to be disappearing…but another to be forgotten…even if it was destined that she was never meant to be…No! she was meant to be, she assured herself…I existed for a reason…

another trigger hit her…her dreams…the continuous dreams tat came every nite to haunt her…they weren’t scary…they were devastating…the scenes were different, the places were different in all of them…but in them all, she was running, hiding, seeking…running away from death, hiding away from her hunters…seeking her frens but found none…the dreams always started out good…but always ended with her alone…

it made sense as much as it could…her new understanding was not that she will end up alone…it was that she wasn’t with them…ever…in the first place…

her team of colleagues have been arguing over their patients cases, their lawsuits with each other…she felt the need to help them but she always pulled herself back…she knew it was none of her business….it had never been her matter to know…and soon, it will not…

her heart was always with her work…her aim to help as much as possible…she was made with the flaw of the inability to touch and console…but she worked hard thru sch…just so her hand could still extended to those who are in need…not to hold them, but at least to a distance within reach…she spent her time trying to understand, trying to diagnose…trying to pull patients back from dark hands, trying to give them the precious life that was initially trusted into their hands…but she can’t even hold on to her own…

in determination, she made her way to the lounge mirror…not to tidy herself, not to stare at her reflection and tell herself that ethg is going to be alright…

she just stood there…

and as her reflection rolled down its first tear…down her ghostly pale face…she knew that the hands she used to save lives with…the eyes that showed concern for the sick…the mouth that spoke strength into the weak…will not do the same for her…

“wat is my reason?”

but tat doesn’t mean i have to leave the following entry out…cos it had been one of the more interesting half- a day of this whole hol i’ve been having…so i felt it was worthy to commemorate it here…

the day starts with an early morning…despite asking nicely of my mom to wake me at 7 the nite before…i awoke 30 mins after 7, hearing her leave the house without waking me up…so i got lazy…dragged the blanket all over my bed and then throw it into a heap and bounced of the bed…

it was the day to get down to the quiet industrial area in Kallang to fix my labtop (or lab for short)…didn’t really like going there (not tat i always do) for a few reasons…1. it’s really really really really far…2. it’s really really really quiet in tat area (tho there r ppl working there)…and 3. there is only one bus into the area and when u r waiting at the busstop opp the designated mrt carrying a lab bag, everyone knows immediately where u r headed…

so i reached the place…feeling really hot and stuffy…go up to the counter (thank God there was no queue) and told them my prob…half doubting tat they would ever believe me tat the lab is faulty (since it suddenly worked fine just before i left the house)…i told them abt the fuzzy lines tat i saw on the screen panel tat resembled an untuned TV channel…n they concluded tat my visual card is abt to break down…n then with the infamous Filippino smile…they told me since my warranty expired it will total to 500 bucks should i decided to replace the visual card tat was attached to the motherboard with a warranty of 1 month or head down to sim lim and get a pro to repair the card……obvious choice was not to do both…not the former as it’s too ex with no proper warranty…not the latter as it’s sim lim…1. it’s too far…2. it’s too scary and busky…3. i’ll get cheated (real easily)…

so i left with my lab and took a bus to the city to have pick up a bible for someone and then to raffles city (shopping mall) to get sushi…by the time when i got there i wasn’t hungry for sushi anymore…and i couldn’t find the supermarket tat sold it…so i aimlessly walked around the place hoping to spot the sale of fresh fruits when this French lady approached me and asked to see my nails?!…i usually don’t do such things as to stop n talk to strangers…becos 1. i don’t really like talking to strangers…2. i don’t really like talking to strangers tat look like they want to sell me something…3. 1 don’t want to talk to strangers…not after i saw another 2 mormons (MMs)!! on the train this same morning…so i got really nervous when she took my thumb and started to use wat looked like a sponge to polish my nails…i wanted to ask if it was gonna cost me but i couldn’t bare to as it seemed rude…so i stop short in between asking tat question and the lady assume tat i was gonna ask it was gonna hurt (*phew) and said no, it’s not gonna hurt…so in the next 5 seconds…she told me not be awestruck or surprise or faint and revealed my thumb polished and brand new-liked…now i don’t do or get manicures so i was really really surprised (even for ONE thumb)…and was even more surprised when she didn’t recommend me any products to buy afterwards (but i kinda asked her myself but knew not to buy on impulse)…and i thanked her for tat one polished thumb and head off to find the supermarket…

eventually i did find the supermarket and realised tat it was just behind tat lady’s store (i tried asking my eyes where they were looking, but they said they didn’t see it cos the thumb was bragging it’s shiny self to everyone else and they got irritated)…bought my fav blue chips (yes, blue and only blue chips, PERSONAL RECOMMENDATION!!!)…

then i thought…(and at the same time headed to…) Funan centre to check up on some labs…i figured i needed a new one (since it’s been 3 years)….but after looking thru the roadshows and the different brands of labs…i rested my heart on the sony vaio CR…MB’s been really nice to help me look thru the systems of the sony models before this…but after see it for myself…i fell in love with it momentarily…and then quickly pulled myself back to reality…it’s not tat it’s no good…it’s quite good (systems, design and all) but i feared putting to much love into the CR tat i won’t give other models, or other brands for tat matter, any chance (just to mention here tho…ever since Windows vista stabilised…iMacs don’t really stand a chance in my books)…the best part of the CR  design is prob the keyboard…it’s just so comfy…

anw…i was attended to by a young guy (don’t ask me if he is good-looking or not…u’ve been to PC shows and roadshows, u noe how they look like) and on realising tat i might be interested in getting one…he gave me his name (only) on a brochure and said he’ll top the order with a free thumbdrive and a pair of headphones…now, if u r Chinese, u know tat’s not much of a bargain (tho the package of it all already is) and u may try out the following things…1. Ask him offer more…2. Ask him to throw in an additional one year warranty free…3. Tell him u’ll tink about it first…i went with the last one cos i wasn’t buying it on the spot so it didn’t feel right to ask for more…will see how things go…

btw…abt those MMs…the ones i saw were Chinese and Indian…almost thought they were pilots before i saw the name tag…so be careful guys!!!!!….

n btw no. 2, my mom called the house 2 hours after i awoke to wake me up -_-!!!….

to youngsters out there: using crude and unforgiving words doesn’t make u cool…it simply shows tat u have a limited vocabulary and can’t use any other english words that u have learnt from ur past 10 years or so of English education to convey effectively how u feel…sigh….

anw…yes…i bought a new fan…cos my old one broke down in the middle of the night…the unbearable heat!!!!…ah!!!!…so i got a new fan on sun, but had to return it the next day cos it was faulty and get another one…so THIS new one is the one tat looks like Squidward…will at least the body looks like Squidward…it’s even in a shady grey-green color…like Squiward….XD…(sorry, no pics of them tho)…

but even it is one month late…i would still like to say a great BIG THANKS to all well-wishes and great presents…even more…i’d like to give credit to those who gave me GREAT gifts as well…

these are in the order in which i received them…thnks to all!!!!

Dad: Yes!!…another 2 years renewal of my kino card…

Mom & aunt: Money makes the world go round…and feeds my interest for another 3 months…hee…and a great buffet treat at Kushinbo….i can still taste the beef nabe (not a bad word)…

Ignite: A big tote bag and a great shirt with Jesus imprinted large on them both

KC & family: i tink it’s a car or neck pillow…but it ends up being my huggable…hee…and the most interesting and pretty cross to wear round my neck (tat is if i can figure out how to tie a proper knot behind…will work on it…)

GW: of all things to get me…a cool black-white-silver braclet…trust my cousin to noe my taste…

LA: woah…dorothy perkins…n i never thought i could wear something from this boutique…totally sweet…n professional too…

PT: a little something from down under…n my very own nodding head (panda style)…cute…and stress relieving…ok, ok…even if this came late…i forgive u…can’t believe u still noe wat to get me… …

ZW: i almost screamed at the top of my lungs when i saw it…GOKUSEN ‘s school collar pin…AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!…..I LOVE IT!!!…and pen…n a poster of Matsumoto’s new movie…AHHH!!!!!…….*calmed down*……becos of this…i still aim to go to Japan…plus to the TV stations as well…

myself: a cute goldfish windchime…a 1967-1968 collection of Peanuts…4 spongebob vcds…and a neil gaiman novel American Gods…(think i spent too much liao)…

hope i didn’t miss anyone out…but thnks again to all well-wishes…especially those who wished me on the day itself(u guys get extra credit)…n those who wished me before and after (u guys get credit too)… XD…. God bless to all!!!!

P.S (to superman…sorry it took so long but here’s ur update)

it’s only the first day…but instead of nervousness…i panicked…the fear of being late…

a lady standing next to me fainted on the bus while it was slowly pacing thru the congested jam expressway…(of all places)…so the helpful passengers FORCED the bus to stop (tho i personally fill that it would have been easier to get help at the bus interchange) and sent the unconscious lady out of the bus to wait for the ambulance…

i panicked…not really for a syncoped lady…but i was gonna be late…ON MY FIRST DAY OF WORK!!!…i did end up late…for 5 mins (thank God) and without them knowing tat i was late (thank God again)…can’t imagine how u would explain the situation to ur IC on the first day of work…

so for the next 2 weeks…some of my classmates and i are assigned to the wards pharma…Jaws dropped at the no. of drugs and meds present in tat “bedroom-sized” place…will move on to the outpt setting and DI settings after tat…

i got to meet my preceptor later…who seemed like a nice lady and really frenly…i thank God for her too…not sure if she’ll be strict with me later on…but i did get HW at the end of the first day of work…after lunch, i went with her to see the wards (mistakingly called it her “rounds”)…and one of which happens to be the one for very elderly sick pts…i got to see a case study tat it was really really REALLY REALLY COMPLICATED!!!…the thing was tat the meds were simple common ones…why the complicated cdn?!!…and the fact tat i had to stand for 2 hrs to search thru the books for the proper indications for each drug…tiring…totally drained for the day…

if day 1 is like this…wat would day 2 be like?

accordingly to psychology, the step into adulthood leads to crisis phase called intimacy vs isolation…u simply have to resolve if u wish to be imitated with the society, or isolate urself from others…

conformity is so attempting, and yet so rejecting…it’s not so much of about going with frens to forbidden places, or doing forbidden things…conformity is everywhere…as with popularity…even a simple gathering of applause is already a conformity…

you can’t object and say tat you want to be a non-conformist, cos eventually a non-conformity is still a conformity…to truly be a non-conformist, you have to stand on ur own…

no one works hard anymore…no one puts in effort anymore…no one sees the need to strive anymore…no one cares tat the world is coming to its end each day we wake up to it…everyone is laid-back, with mouths wide open, expecting a path to be build for them while they stuff themselves with pleasures of the world…

i anger at their choice of living…yet i stand nowhere to judge, cos all it takes is for the reminder tat blessings will continue to flow despite everything…

reminder to all…it doesn’t take drinking, smoking, doing the worse of morals to get you off the road…conformity does it equally the same…

i detest conformity…with a simple reason tat i don’t fall into it..and to fall into it means i had to conform…and i detest to conform…it’s making me lose my effort to strive, making me lose my interest in working hard…

                  “Cos an empty room can be so loud, it takes many tears to drown them out”

i love the line from Jonas Brothers in their song Hold on…my room is so loud, but i don’t have the tears to drown them out…

a huge range of thoughts are pending in my mind…and still pending…i can’t decide between reality or falsehood…my mind is clouded and i can’t see through…i’m afraid to decide, afraid that my choice will lead to my impending doom, afraid tat it will upset my All….

i noe tat only the Lord can hear me…my soul He hears…He is the only one i can turn to…yet i see myself in sadness as i face Him, knowing tat it didn’t have to be this way…

and i apologise to the little one in me…she must be hurting so bad that she can’t breathe…i noe she wants to rejoice with all that praise the Lord, but i’ve restricted her…and passed on my anguish to her…

should i take a step back or go with the flow?…should i fit in, should i not?…should i intimate, or isolate?…only time will tell…

till then, the Lord, my keyboard, my mom, my aunt, are the only ones by my side…

“u noe, this wasn’t wat i had in mind”

“as in?”

“as in?…i mean, there, i wrote in the last line tat i didn’t wake up…then y m i awake?”

“if u didn’t wake up, how could u possibly write tat last line tat u didn’t?”

tat shut me up…or at least for a while…

a day has passed since i collapsed under the power of it…willingly or unwillingly i can’t remember…but i woke up…after hoping n having my mind set tat i wouldn’t..here i m, sitting upright, legs crossed, head bowed in an unwilling defeat…..to it…

it was sitting right next to me, high up upon a wooden chair…still in its black cloak covering most of itself…i still didn’t noe how it looked, but at least its hands tat were not shielded by its cloak was still human-like…

i picked up courage to fight once more…

“ok, then was does ‘Let me’ mean?”

“wat do u believe it to be?”

“how should i noe, u were the one tat said it!”

“so without noeing wat i meant, u willingly conceited?”

this was a ridiculous conversation…on one hand i try to express my anger at the turn of events, and on the other it spoke as if ethg is my fault and of no concern of its…

i shut myself slient once more…i couldn’t win…at least not with my present strength… had i much of a choice to decide upon wat i could have done under those conditions…

conditions…the word of trigger………the unwanted memories floated back into my mind…it tricked me…the memories never left me…i tried to leave them…

i sunk down…with my head buried…wishing tat i had never gone thru all these things…if it hadn’t start all those years back, i wouldn’t be in wat i m in now…

i started to regret being awake……….

it knew my thoughts…

in a cold, calm voice, it spoke, “u know, u wouldn’t be in such a state if tat ‘great sense of trouble’ of urs didn’t happen…in my opinion, u willingly allowed urself to be subjected to the pain.”

my fists clutched…”willing allowed?!”…i “willingly allowed” all this to happen?!…my blood boiled…

it continued, “but i guess i should thank you…after all, without all tat, my existence cannot come to be…and with the recent turn of events, i’ve seemed to take an upper lead in the situation.”…

it was smiling…

drops of water trickled down…tat was it…i lost, i couldn’t fight back, i couldn’t win…all the while i had hope for a little comfort and love…hope tat it came with all those things…but it didn’t…it turned out to be cold and vicious like all the other things in my life…i’ve lost…

but i didn’t want to wail out in defeat…

it floated off the chair and kneed in front of me…once more, its hands reached out to wipe my tears…i pushed its hand away in fear…i didn’t want it to touch me…

it was smiling again…despite the previous rejection, it reached out its hand once more and with its fingers it held onto my chin and lifted my face upwards…

“it’s no intention of mine to make u cry…surely u noe tat all i’ve said so far are true?”…

at this, i saw its eyes…grey…like tat of grey clouds…it was a color tat spoke of gentleness…but also despair…how could it be?!…something so lovely can be so cold at the same time…

it laughed aloud…it had read my mind again…

it was impressed with the words i chose to describe it…and its eyes…

“despair is it? tat’s sthg i’ve never done before…but there is nthg i can’t achieve…very well, as u wished, i will show u despair…”

and before i could shout no…it disappeared into thin air…