With my last ounce of strength on my first day…

preceptorship started…with a bang and collaspe….

it’s only the first day…but instead of nervousness…i panicked…the fear of being late…

a lady standing next to me fainted on the bus while it was slowly pacing thru the congested jam expressway…(of all places)…so the helpful passengers FORCED the bus to stop (tho i personally fill that it would have been easier to get help at the bus interchange) and sent the unconscious lady out of the bus to wait for the ambulance…

i panicked…not really for a syncoped lady…but i was gonna be late…ON MY FIRST DAY OF WORK!!!…i did end up late…for 5 mins (thank God) and without them knowing tat i was late (thank God again)…can’t imagine how u would explain the situation to ur IC on the first day of work…

so for the next 2 weeks…some of my classmates and i are assigned to the wards pharma…Jaws dropped at the no. of drugs and meds present in tat “bedroom-sized” place…will move on to the outpt setting and DI settings after tat…

i got to meet my preceptor later…who seemed like a nice lady and really frenly…i thank God for her too…not sure if she’ll be strict with me later on…but i did get HW at the end of the first day of work…after lunch, i went with her to see the wards (mistakingly called it her “rounds”)…and one of which happens to be the one for very elderly sick pts…i got to see a case study tat it was really really REALLY REALLY COMPLICATED!!!…the thing was tat the meds were simple common ones…why the complicated cdn?!!…and the fact tat i had to stand for 2 hrs to search thru the books for the proper indications for each drug…tiring…totally drained for the day…

if day 1 is like this…wat would day 2 be like?

Conformity restricted…

I’ve just completed the last exam for the sem…but i’m not as excited as i had hope to be…and i noe y as well…

accordingly to psychology, the step into adulthood leads to crisis phase called intimacy vs isolation…u simply have to resolve if u wish to be imitated with the society, or isolate urself from others…

conformity is so attempting, and yet so rejecting…it’s not so much of about going with frens to forbidden places, or doing forbidden things…conformity is everywhere…as with popularity…even a simple gathering of applause is already a conformity…

you can’t object and say tat you want to be a non-conformist, cos eventually a non-conformity is still a conformity…to truly be a non-conformist, you have to stand on ur own…

no one works hard anymore…no one puts in effort anymore…no one sees the need to strive anymore…no one cares tat the world is coming to its end each day we wake up to it…everyone is laid-back, with mouths wide open, expecting a path to be build for them while they stuff themselves with pleasures of the world…

i anger at their choice of living…yet i stand nowhere to judge, cos all it takes is for the reminder tat blessings will continue to flow despite everything…

reminder to all…it doesn’t take drinking, smoking, doing the worse of morals to get you off the road…conformity does it equally the same…

i detest conformity…with a simple reason tat i don’t fall into it..and to fall into it means i had to conform…and i detest to conform…it’s making me lose my effort to strive, making me lose my interest in working hard…

                  “Cos an empty room can be so loud, it takes many tears to drown them out”

i love the line from Jonas Brothers in their song Hold on…my room is so loud, but i don’t have the tears to drown them out…

a huge range of thoughts are pending in my mind…and still pending…i can’t decide between reality or falsehood…my mind is clouded and i can’t see through…i’m afraid to decide, afraid that my choice will lead to my impending doom, afraid tat it will upset my All….

i noe tat only the Lord can hear me…my soul He hears…He is the only one i can turn to…yet i see myself in sadness as i face Him, knowing tat it didn’t have to be this way…

and i apologise to the little one in me…she must be hurting so bad that she can’t breathe…i noe she wants to rejoice with all that praise the Lord, but i’ve restricted her…and passed on my anguish to her…

should i take a step back or go with the flow?…should i fit in, should i not?…should i intimate, or isolate?…only time will tell…

till then, the Lord, my keyboard, my mom, my aunt, are the only ones by my side…